Thomas

Peace be with you, Brother Thaddeus,

Once more, I need to express my gratitude to you for staying in the village with our mother and caring for her when I know you ache to be with me here in Jerusalem. When I left home to follow the Master, I promised you I would write as often as possible – I’m sorry that it has been a very long time since the last letter when I told you about the Master bringing Lazarus back to life. So much has happened since then. I need not tell you everything since I know the news of the crucifixion has reached believers in the villages. I have not forgotten you and I know that you must be in great pain and grief. It has been a terrible, terrible time for everyone. I cannot even begin to convey to you what it was like here in the midst of it all.

We here in Jerusalem have been in hiding. We were terrified that the Priests would decide that Jesus’ followers should also be put to death in order to completely stamp out his influence. We quickly found a secure place far from Golgotha but because of our haste we did not have enough food. Someone had to go out or we would die of starvation.  However, our fear was so great that no one would volunteer.

I was sitting on the floor, trying to be invisible, listening to the others argue as to who should go, when a memory flooded into my head. It was different than simply remembering an incident. It was almost as if I was inside a vision, feeling what I felt and saying what I said. I remembered when Jesus told us he was going back to Judea because Lazarus had died. We tried to discourage him because it was so dangerous but Jesus always seemed to know exactly where he was going and what he should be doing. When I saw him turn from us and start off down the road on his own, my heart couldn’t stand it and I said to the others, ‘Let us also go, that we may die with him.’

When that memory flooded through me, my shame was so intense it was all I could do to keep from crying out. I was the one who suggested we go with him and I was so full of brave words. Now, here I was, cowering in a corner. We had all run away at the first sign of trouble. We hadn’t been willing to die with our Master; now we weren’t even willing to put our lives at risk for some food.

I couldn’t stand it. I jumped up and yelled, “Everybody just shut up! I’ll go!” and without even checking to see if it was safe, I barged out and slammed the door shut behind me. I could hear them quickly locking the door again.

When I returned and they saw it was me and let me in, I couldn’t believe the difference in their faces. I was expecting them to be grateful to me and fall on the food I had brought but no. They were excited and laughing. Peter pulled me to the side and said, “Thomas! We saw him! He came right in here even though the door was locked. He was suddenly standing right over there and he said, “Peace be with you,” as if nothing had happened.” Peter grabbed my arms and started swinging me around, yelling, “He’s alive, Thomas! He’s alive and he was here!”

I roughly pulled away from Peter and said, “Be quiet, you fool. They’ll hear you in the street. What is wrong with you? You say you saw him? Well, good for you. But unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”  I turned away from him, sat down on the floor and refused to look at any of them. My heart was stinging with confusion, hurt and total resentment. All I could think was “Why? If the Lord was really alive, why did he wait until I was gone to appear to everyone? Why was I left out?” I didn’t know if I believed them or not but they were so joyful and they had no reason to make up such a story. I was utterly miserable.

As I listened to them discuss his appearance, my resentments started to settle but I became bothered for another reason. The way they were talking, you’d think things were just going to keep on going the way they had been. They were talking about finding him, discussing how they could get him out of Jerusalem without being seen; they even talked about how they could disguise him. They were talking about going with him to Egypt maybe or perhaps even farther, taking his message to other lands and waiting until things had settled down here in Jerusalem.

The more they talked, the more I doubted the whole reality of the situation. If our Lord had really died and was now really alive, everything was changed. Could they not see that? They weren’t thinking straight. If he could really appear in a locked room and leave the same way, he had no need of them to help him to evade the authorities. He had no need of them at all. My mind was swirling with possibilities of what this all meant and I could hardly believe it all or keep it all straight. Things that Jesus said when he was with us kept coming back to my mind, especially one thing he said to me at the last meal. When I suddenly remembered his words, it was as if the heavens opened up and rocks fell on me:

‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you know me, you will know my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.’

“You do know him and have seen him…” These words kept running through my head over and over. He meant that if I knew him, then I knew the Father. That meant I know God since I knew Jesus. Jesus was God. If he is alive now then...Jesus is God.

  For days these thoughts kept going through my head until I thought I would go crazy. I doubted my reasoning and I doubted my sanity. 

Then, early one morning as we were putting away our sleeping mats and dreading another long and tedious day, he was suddenly there. I saw him before anyone else. He was looking directly at me with the most loving look in his eyes and I knew without a doubt that he knew exactly what I had been struggling with all week. Not only did he know but I realized that he was the source of all my thoughts.

He opened his robe, held out his hands and invited me not only to touch him but to also enter deeply into his wounds. It was as if he was opening a gate to me. I know he didn’t say anything out loud but in my head I heard, “If you know me, Thomas, you know my Father. My Father and I are one. You are right. Nothing is the same anymore. There are no longer any walls or doors that have the power to keep me away from my people. There are no longer any walls or doors that can keep you away from the heart of God. Do you know me, Thomas? Do you know who I am?”

I fell to the floor and wept, “Yes, Master, I know you! You are my Lord and my God. You are God. You are my God. I KNOW you!”

The Master is alive, Thaddeus! I have seen him. I walked through his wounds into utter freedom. There are no more walls or doors that can keep him out. There is no distance between him and any one of us. And he gave me a message for you.  He said, “Have you believed because you have really seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen yet have come to believe. Tell Thaddeus that I will come to him soon.”

There is little else I can say, my brother. Wait for him. He is alive and he is coming to you. Believe it!

Through his most precious wounds,

Your twin, Thomas.