The Power Of Conversion Part I

This year, the Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross has fallen on a Sunday, so at Mass this weekend you will be hearing the readings for that feast. What is written below was written for the regular 24th Sunday in Ordinary time.

Matthew 18:21-35
Then Peter came and said to him, ‘Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.
 ‘For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he began the reckoning, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him; and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, together with his wife and children and all his possessions, and payment to be made. So the slave fell on his knees before him, saying, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.” And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt. But that same slave, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow-slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat, he said, “Pay what you owe.” Then his fellow-slave fell down and pleaded with him, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you.” But he refused; then he went and threw him into prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow-slaves saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, “You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow-slave, as I had mercy on you?” And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he should pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.’

“Wicked slave!”
“...in his anger...”
“...over to be tortured...”
“So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you...”

Tell the truth, now. Weren't those the words that were rattling around uncomfortably in your head after you finished reading the Gospel? These are the kinds of words that, taken alone, can form an unwholesome image of the Father in our hearts and create in us an unhealthy fear of God and of our own humanity. We are negativity magnets. Whatever we read or listen to, what will stick with us is the negative, the scary, the wounding and the hurtful. Why don't phrases like, “ out of pity for him...” or “...released him and forgave him the debt...” become the words that inform our hearts and our images of God? Because we are afraid of ourselves.

When we retain words like “slave, anger and torture”, we are reacting in fear because we know we're guilty without even needing to do an examination of conscience. However, the knee jerk reactions we get into such as kicking ourselves, struggling to forgive someone when we haven't been successful so far or becoming mired in a self-induced puddle of guilt are reactions that will get us nowhere fast. We become like Sisyphus, the king who was condemned to rolling a boulder up a hill, watching it roll back down and repeating the process forever.

It never enters our consciousness that before the angry lord berated the slave so strongly he had forgiven the slave a huge debt. The slave had personally experienced unconditional mercy and extravagant forgiveness. The master had given him an outrageous gift of freedom, joy and relief. The master could have said, “O.K. You don't have to pay your whole debt now. Let's draw up a payment plan that you can handle.” That would have been generous enough but the master, in pure mercy, forgave him his whole debt. Everything. He had to pay nothing, ever. He walked away a free man.

The master gifted the slave with an open door into a new way of living in freedom. Remember, Jesus was introducing New Covenant justice to his disciples, a justice based on unconditional love and mercy. In Jesus' parable, the master opened a new doorway to a higher spirituality. The slave virtually slammed that door in his master's face and immediately returned to the old system of justice which was “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” The slave went back to the law. He not only took advantage of the master's mercy but he also showed utter contempt for the New Covenant of love. His sin was not so much in turning around and demanding another slave to pay up as much as it was in showing clearly that he had rejected the master's covenant of mercy and was determined to live by the old law. Therefore, the master handed him over to the old law. And if you want to live a tortured existence, live according to the law, not according to love and mercy.

The slave would not have been culpable if he had not personally experienced the complete forgiveness of his debt. If he had simply heard about another slave being forgiven a great debt or if he had heard some people in the market place debating the idea of debt forgiveness, he would have had just a sketchy intellectual knowledge of this new order of justice. It wouldn't have made much of an impact on him and if he had come across someone who owed him money, the ideological idea of mercy and love would simply have remained just that - an ideological idea without power or known consequences. His whole point of reference would still have been the Law.

But the slave in Jesus' parable had an eye-opening, intimate encounter with mercy and had known what kind of consequences mercy has: peace, freedom from fear, a clean slate and room to breathe and praise. The slave, in other words, had a life changing conversion experience. He knew the power of that kind of justice but still he turned away and rejected the power of love - and therefore rejected Love himself.

Have you had a conversion experience? Or have you just heard about love and mercy? Have you come face to face with the Master in fear only to have him tell you that you are completely free and that there is no debt to pay. No debt. To pay. You owed him more than you could ever have paid back, you were in crushing debt for life and he said, “No, there's no debt. It's been completely cleared by...let's see who paid your debt...oh yes! Jesus paid your debt. You're free and clear. Remember to thank him on your way out.” Have you had your whole world shifted by his immense gift – or have you just heard about it? Did you grow up hearing about it and have you always assumed that you knew the meaning of 'forgive as you have been forgiven'? Do you personally know the consequences of forgiveness or does forgiving those who have hurt you feel like a boulder God requires you to push up a mountainside all on your own?

The problem with endeavoring to live any part of the new spiritual order without first experiencing the Master's gift of life-shifting love is that you actually are trying to move boulders and the only tools you have to move them with are intellectual ideas and tenets. Loving without knowing God's love, being merciful without having experienced God's mercy and forgiving without truly knowing God's forgiveness are hard, hard, hard things to do. Especially forgiving. It's so difficult because without conversion we try to be our own sources of power. We feel like it's our responsibility to be good and do well at being a Christian. We are fearful and tight about our limited inner resources and then when someone else depletes us even more by not respecting our dignity or undermining our authority or by saying something about us that's critical or wounding, we deeply feel a jagged hole within. It's as if they snatched something away from us without permission. They stole something from us and they owe us. Whatever they took feels vital to us, otherwise we wouldn't be so wounded and concerned about getting it back.

In the Master's kingdom, as a converted soul you not only receive forgiveness of debt but also the gift of yourself. As a converted soul you see yourself reflected like gold in the Master's eyes. As a converted soul you know that you are a wondrous creation and you rejoice in that creation. The more you experience conversion, the more you know how beloved you are. The more you know this, the less likely you are to experience inner loss at the hands of another because your value and self-worth do not depend on how other people perceive you or treat you. The more you know the Father's love, the less you will feel that everyone who has hurt you owes you because they stole something from you.

When you experience conversion and know what it is to have all your debts forgiven, the only thing you can say to people who have hurt you is, “You owe me nothing. The Lord paid for both our debts and he paid abundantly.” You can say this in truth, honesty and with great love because you know it's true. You've seen it in the Master's eyes and there's nothing else to say. There's nothing else you want to say.

Anyone who experiences such a gift would be crazy to go back to the law. As I said before, the law is where the torture is. The law is where God is an 'eye for an eye' deity. The law is where we see how guilty we are and how we have no ability to do anything about it. The law is a room devoid of love, a city with no mercy and a kingdom without Christ. Don't believe me? Read Romans.

Forgiveness without conversion is a cart without a horse. Sure, you can move it a bit by yourself with a lot of struggling but you'll get exhausted and the smallest of obstacles will confound you. And if there's a hill? Forget it. Conversion is a Kingdom Clydesdale. You don't push it – it pulls you.