The Gift of Doubt

John 20: 19-31

When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you." When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained." But Thomas (who was called the Twin, one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe."

A week later his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe." Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!" Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe." Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.

When I met my husband, he wasn’t just a mere doubting Thomas; after having drifted away from the Catholic faith, he had become a committed agnostic verging on atheism. He certainly was not looking for proof that Christ was raised from the dead. He was simply looking for female companionship and thought the best way to open doors to my heart was through expounding on all he knew about religion. In the middle of all this, I felt a strong leading to wash his feet, a suggestion to which he acquiesced in an attitude of patronizing amusement. Meanwhile, I was desperately hoping that it actually was God who had urged me to do this. I had no idea what I should say or do after I finished.

But as soon as I began to wash his feet, he fell completely apart. It was as if Jesus appeared to him in mercy and love and it was impossible for him not to believe. All his unbelief was washed away with his past sins and transgressions. Christ became his Lord and God in a matter of seconds. In that moment he had received a gift of faith. He had seen Jesus. Even though he tried to question it later, the gift proved too strong for him.

When Thomas saw (orao) Jesus, he had a full experience of Jesus. He didn’t just see with his eyes, he saw with his heart. His exclamation of “My Lord and my God!” was not just an exclamation of recognizing the Jesus he knew before the crucifixion; it was an exclamation of recognizing the total reality of the risen Christ, spoken in terms that had not been spoken by anyone before that. He fully recognized that Jesus was “Ho Theos” or The God. His statement explicitly said that he recognized Jesus as God and Jesus did not deny it.  Let me repeat: no one else had addressed Jesus as “Ho Theos” before Thomas did. Thomas didn’t just recognize him as the Messiah, the Son of Man, the Master or the Supreme Teacher; he recognized that Jesus was God. Boom! This kind of recognition is not possible for a human unless the Lord reveals it. Jesus filled our “Doubting Thomas” with an inner revelation he hadn’t even given to the other disciples yet.

We always seem to interpret this Gospel as a put down for Thomas and it really does sound like Jesus is gently rebuking him for not believing. But why would he rebuke Thomas? The other disciples had been allowed to see Jesus and it says that after Jesus greeted them, he showed them his wounds. It’s not as if they had amazing belief based on nothing other pure faith and their belief in Jesus is never pointed out as less valid just because at first it was based on visual proof. The visual proof Jesus gave to all his followers in the days following the resurrection was actually crucial for the future of the church. Believers could safely believe because there were actual eyewitnesses to the fact that not only had Jesus truly been raised from the dead but he also had a body, a real body that could be touched and one that could consume food.

Have you ever had doubts about your faith? If you answered “No!” to that, I don’t think I would believe you. They may not have been long lasting doubts leading to total unbelief but everyone has moments of doubt, especially in times of dryness or difficulties. You may have been simply going through a period where life was a grind and nothing was on the horizon to bring inspiration or relief or joy. Everyone has times like that. Maybe work is unchanging day after day and the same irritating people are always there. Or you’ve been very ill for a long time and nothing helps or brings relief. Or you’ve been in a period of stress and busyness where it feels like everyone always wants you to cater to their needs and desires but no one notices that you, too, have needs and desires. In times like these it’s very easy to suddenly feel like the existence of a loving and nurturing God is a bit of a fairy tale, relevant to nothing. It makes you want to yell out, “Is anybody home out there??”

But, being a good Christian, you quickly tuck these doubts away and you certainly don’t express them to anyone, especially not the Lord! Many people interpret these doubts as proof that they are lacking spiritually. It can be a bit of shock to see how easily these doubts can pop to the surface even if one has always been a strong, faithful Catholic. 

Thomas did not hide his doubts and even if he had, Jesus would have known he had them. But perhaps it was Thomas’ honesty with himself that laid the groundwork for a deep encounter with the risen Lord. Thomas didn’t just want to believe because others had told him it was true; he wanted to believe because of a face to face encounter. This is a desire that Jesus can’t resist. And he didn’t resist. He came to Thomas and Thomas didn’t even need to touch the wounds because Jesus revealed himself in a way that created a deep and true faith in Thomas’ heart, one that physical evidence alone could never produce.

Every once in a while we all need to examine our faith and ask ourselves, “Do I believe because I have had an encounter with the risen Lord, or do I believe because someone has told me I should believe and I’m afraid not to?” Jesus certainly does not despise belief based on the testimony of others; in fact, he says, “Blessed are those who believe with no physical evidence to support that belief.” But he definitely was not offended by Thomas’ desire to see him face to face. If he had been offended by it, he would not have given Thomas the amazing gift of insight into the true nature of his Godhead. 

Notice, though, that he didn’t appear immediately to Thomas; there was a space of time between Thomas expressing his need to see and touch Jesus and the moment when Jesus actually appeared. In this period of time, Thomas had much opportunity for his desire to see Jesus to become stronger and stronger and for him to struggle with what he was prepared to believe about Jesus if Jesus didn’t appear to him. What went through his mind during this period? He had no idea how long it would be until Jesus made an appearance or even if Jesus would appear. Everyone else was ecstatic in their joy of knowing Jesus was alive while Thomas probably felt he was on the perimeter looking in, an outsider to faith and excluded from the joy of the rest of the disciples. What a tough time for him.

What a tough time for you.

But, if you are honest with your desire to see Jesus face to face, Jesus will come. I can’t tell you when he will come and I can’t tell you what kinds of emotions and inner struggles you might need to go through until he does come but do not ever believe that he is offended by your struggles to believe or your desire to experience his presence in your life.

How could he be offended? How could he not want to gift you like he gifted Thomas – or my husband, the resolute atheist – with a deep sense of being face to face with a Lord who loves you wildly, completely and with so much mercy that all you could possibly say is,

“My Lord and my God!”

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Did you know that the Greek words "Kyrie, Eleison" (Lord, have mercy) have the meaning "Lord, soothe me, comfort me, take away my pain, show me your steadfast love"?  Mercy in scriptural terms is not the same as our modern meaning of justice. So next time you pray “Lord have mercy” at Mass, think of the above meaning and pray with all your heart, “Lord, have mercy. I want to see Jesus. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.”

“…a bruised reed he will not break, and a dimly burning wick he will not quench;” (Isaiah 42:3)